Today she's out mowing the lawn somewhere, trying not to let the rocks and branches upset her. Perhaps this means she has a house of her own now, or maybe an apartment with a lawn, I don't know. In any case, from what little I can gather, she's doing well for herself. Since last I talked to her she's been promoted (twice?), taught class(es?), taken classes, and who knows what else (she would, but I don't). She is an amazing woman.
And now she's working on her lawn (as I'll be doing for my parents when I finish this). Had she asked, I would have gladly cleared rocks and branches from her lawn, then mowed it. Even though she has not asked, if I didn't think it would land me in jail I would offer to help. Someday I'll probably offer regardless (if not to help with the lawn then something else).
I have sat here wasting my life, waiting for death to claim me, because all I want from life is to be near her (of course, if I was near her I'd probably want something else, idiot that I am). I can't fault her for not wanting anything to do with me, because I don't deserve to have her in my life. I'm not worthy.
So I sit her and wait to die, neither willing or able to kill myself nor move on with my life. From time to time I'll look in on her and be glad that she is doing well (because she always is, at least to the extent I can tell). But as for my life... I'm an idiot, a fool, and deserve much worse then I have.
Note 1: Should anyone think this is a suicide note, reread the bit about being unable/willing to kill myself.
Note 2: Should anyone want to point out the obvious and say I should forget about her and get on with my life, your concern will be noted but reread the bit about me being an idiot.