New year is looking great so far... not...
I am going to make a prediction now that I hope ends up being wrong: Sometime in the next oh, month sounds good, I'm going to stop blogging, whether I want to or not.
Today's sunday, so my parents do their whole I really should go to church thing again. Happens every sunday, they say I should go, I tell them I'm not going. But this time was different. This time they came across much more forcefully. As in things are going to be changing soon. And they almost said one of the things that would change what I do too.
They say that things need to change, that it's wrong of me to do what I do, and they are right. But I'm not going to talk to them about it. Sure, that's stubborn and wrong of me, but they will be the last people in the world I talk to, at least so long as things go like they are. I almost think I've figured out why too, which in itself would be enough of an accomplishment from their standpoint to shut them up for a while, at least if they practice what they preach.
I desperatly seek approval from those I interact with. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's the way I work (or at least I think it is which is close enough). But I do not want their approval, I do not want to conform to their desires. I want to have my own life, not theirs. Which I'm sure is normal for anyone still living under their parents roof. The problem comes when what I would want to do matches what they would want me to do and I can't do it without them knowing and showering me with praise. Which I don't want, not from them, not now.
So I'll keep doing what I'm doing (namely trying to figure out what I'm doing) and they'll keep trying to get me to do what they want me to do while under their careful guidance (namely figure out what is wrong with me and tell them so they can be oh so happy and have me fixed). Notice the similarities in what each of us wants, it's practically the same thing. Yet notice the important difference, I want it for me, they want it for them. I am a stubborn fool (it runs in the family) and I will destroy myself before giving them what they want, at least for the sake of giving them what they want.
But on the plus side, I am reasonably certain that when it comes down to it I will walk out (instead of picking a fight) and wander off to far away places that I will most likely fail to reach (instead of showing up at her place and getting myself arrested). Not exactly great big happiness, but I think that is a big improvement.
So to recap, I am predicting problems that I don't see any productive way around in the relativly near future.