or why I don't like christmas
I was going to wait to write this article until a bit closer to christmas, but I figured I might as well do it now.
Friday December 20, 2000. I'm pretty sure that was the date, but if I'm wrong it was close to that. Without going into too many details leading up to it, I was going to meet with the Woman I Love at church for what was to be the last time we would meet (we later got back together for a few weeks, but that's another story). We had a five oclock appointment with the pastor, to talk about stuff. As usual my parents and I weren't communicating well. When I left my dad was convinced I was going to do something stupid. Sure, I would have done much stupid, if someone had tried to stop me from making my appointment. So he chased me as I walked down to church. I half expected him to collapse on the way, but we made it.
So we (my love, the pastor, and I) talked and during the conversation I said some things that worried the pastor. So after my love left (literally) the pastor insisted we go to the hospital. I'll admit I was depressed, in fact at that point all I wanted to do was curl up and die. But left to my own devies I would have curled up and cried instead, and I even said as much at the time.
Before leaving we even had an alternate plan, since I didn't want to go home I could spend the weekend at some friends of the family. But no, it's off to the hospital we go and we get there at like midnight (was a long talk). Well the doctors decided I was going to kill myself so they drugged me and locked me upstairs. Would be 15 days until I would be outside again. They could hold me for that long without dealing with the courts or anything like that.
And it was crazy. They rigidly enforced lightout and you had to be in your room during then. No walking the halls aimlessly, which bothered me since I was used to running 3-10 miles a day. There were some characters there too. The way they had the rooms setup you didn't have an actual roommate, but you sort of did. Well my almost roommate for most of my stay had a habit of marking his territory, much like a dog. And the doctors...
The doctors (or at least those I talked with) were convinced that every problem with a person is solved by medication. Everything. And they were certain that if I didn't adequatly drug myself I would kill myself, it was just a matter of time. Well it's been almost four years and I'm still alive. Medication taken in that time, the odd tylenol or equivalent. Sometime I'll probably ramble on more about my thoughts on medication.
I spent christmas and new years in that hospital. I don't recall if they had a christmas celebration, but they did have a small new years one. Not at midnight mind you, but they had one all the same. And it wasn't all bad, most (if not all) of the nurses clearly cared about their patients and did what they could for them. And the doctors probably did too, although I'll admit I was less inclined to notice that at the time.
I'm of the opinion that staying in the hospital was about the worse way I could have spent that time. Instead of grieving and working towards getting on with my life (not that I've done much of that since but that's besides the point) I spent two weeks feeling trapped in a cage. My trust of both pastors and doctors has also lessened considerable. And to top it off, christmas was just lousy.
So fast forward a year, christmas time 2001. I'm employed at a technical support help desk call center type place. I worked thanksgiving, I worked christmas, and I worked new years. Thanksgiving was dead, I think I took one call the whole shift. The job was unpleasant at best. Long hours on the phone with upset people that hold me personaly responsible for their problems, told by the company to all but lie to the caller, watching my coworkers regularly lie to their supervisors. I quit towards the end of January. But I'm trying to focus on christmas time here.
Not sure what day it was (but it was near christmas) the woman I love ran a marathon in hawaii. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology I got to watch her run from work. It was great at the same time it was terrible. That combined with how lousy the job was, well that christmas was only marginally better then the one before. New years was ok. My boss took us all offsite and gave everyone a drink at midnight.
So the long and short of this is, I havn't enjoyed christmas since I had my heart broken. The holidays are all a big blah to me. Maybe someday I'll start enjoying them again, maybe not.